Sara Bareilles is an amazing singer/songwriter. I was first introduced to her back in 2008 and she has been on repeat in my iTunes ever since. Her voice is gorgeous, but it's her words that really touch me. She's smart, witty, candid and open. She wears her heart on her sleeve. In many ways, my closest friends would probably say I'm a lot like her. She has managed to take those qualities and make them into gorgeous music, a career, an identity. For me, it still feels like a curse to be all those things. It leaves me with a broken heart all too often, either through career or love life.
"All I have, all I need. He's the air I would kill to breathe. Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something. Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again."
I broke down crying today. Again, damn it. I wish it didn't happen. I feel like I failure every time it does. Like I should be able to get past this. I should be able to stop crying. I should be able to move on faster or something. Everybody tells me it will take time, to cut myself some slack, to be nice to myself. But I also know that those same people want me to get past this - for my sanity as well as their own. I think they are as surprised as I am that I am still so sad. As I sat crying tonight, waiting until it passed, I literally found myself saying out loud "When will I be happy again? When will I stop thinking about him?" and this song popped into my head.
I know my ex (I want to stop calling him "my love" like I generally do, since that seems to give him more power) is not ALL I have or all I need. But right now, as I'm stumbling around like a newborn, it sure feels like he was. I would do just about anything for one more moment, one more word, one more smile. But I know it's over. He's gone. There's no use continuing to wish for something that isn't happening.
The way I feel when I break down and cry is like I am actually out of breath. It feels like somebody took away my oxygen. This has shaken me to the core. I'm questioning everything about my life. Every little thing that I ever question or doubt, it's all magnified right now. Maybe because I don't see myself the way he saw me. That reflection of love and adoration that we all seek . . . there's so much support in that. And he came along and gave it to me when I least expected it. And then, just as suddenly, he took it away. There is nothing that can describe that feeling of shock and loss when it ends so quickly and without warning.
If he was my only oxygen, I'd have died long ago. Somehow, I got through the last 31 years without him. So I know I will get through this. Rationally, I know it. Throughout the song (called Breathe Again), Sara keeps saying "Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again." Obviously trying to convince herself. Just like I am doing now. One day it will be true. Right?
I'll breathe again. . . . someday. I hope it's sooner rather than later.
