Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson was an American lecturer, essayist and poet who led the Transcendentalist movement of the mid-19th century. It should be noted that I have never been a huge Emerson fan. I think this is largely because I first read parts of his essays in high school, and I wasn't mature enough to really appreciate them. I think perhaps I should revisit some of his material though, particularly since I love this quote so much.

"Success; To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; This is to have succeeded." 

Lately I have been feeling like a failure in so many ways. Another failed relationship. My finances are a mess. Starting another new job, though that's almost completely because of the break up. Auditions are slow, and those I've managed to have, I still don't book the actual gigs. Just, well. . . struggling. Maybe not failing, but not succeeding either.

According to the dictionary the definition of success is as follows: the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; OR the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like. It's that last part "the like" that strikes me as up for interpretation. Sure, wealth is lovely - from what I remember of it. Honors are great, but often fleeting. But "the like" can be SO much more fulfilling, particularly when the first two are not coming in as often or quickly as one would like.

So let's examine by success in the category of "the like," according to Emerson.  
1) To laugh often and much - Yes. And yes. Even if I'm not laughing myself, I can honestly say that I make somebody close to me laugh every day. Which, in turn, makes me laugh a little bit at least.
2) To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children - Yes and yes. I have super smart friends in my life. People who I consider to be on the genius level. And they love me. I consider that an honor. And (while I'm often not sure why) kids love me. Apparently, I'm very funny to children too, which will get you everywhere! And I think children generally trust me pretty quickly, which must mean I'm doing something right.
3) To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends -yes, and ouch, yes. I have certainly had my share of bad reviews, but I've also gotten praise from some super talented, smart, and skilled people in my life. Both personally and professionally. And, for better or for worse, I've survived losing false friends. Which is not fun, but part of life.
4) To appreciate beauty - Yes. Of all kinds - natural, man made, whatever. (Take my wine, art, music and shoe collections as examples of this one.)
5) To find the best in others - Absolutely. Sometimes too much to their credit. I can be too trusting, but I'd prefer that to the opposite. I don't ever want to become so cynical that I can't see the good in a person.
6) To leave the world a little better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition - Not sure on any of those yet. Guess my obituary will have to determine this one. Unless it counts that I donate to charities of some kind at least once a month if not more.
7) To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - Well, I'd certainly like to think so. For moments here and there at least, if not more.
This is to have succeeded.

According to Emerson, I'm a huge success. Thanks, Emerson! Now if you can you help me get some health insurance and maybe a 401K plan . . . .

Anonymous

Again, an anonymous one that I read in one of my magazines recently.

"Keep in mind that when accepting an apology, you're essentially saying, "Thank you, I'm going to get over it." Then do."

I find forgiveness to be tough. Not because I want to remain angry, but because I can't seem to forget. If you want to learn from mistakes, don't you have to remember them? Not just your own mistakes, but if someone else hurts you? That whole "shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice" thing. But then there's the opposite end of that philosophy that you have to forget to forgive. You have to really let it go. Whatever it is.

I think women tend to be worse at this than men. We may forgive, but never seem to forget. Men, god bless 'em, seem to forget, so the forgiveness seems easier. Though this is clearly not always true, it does seem to me that women remember more, and therefore are perceived as holding grudges more than men. Maybe it's also because we tend to not be as confrontational? Men have it out right away and then get a beer. Women hold the frustration to the boiling point all too often and then blow up at each other. I know I am completely generalizing here, but overall, I do find this to be true. And honestly, men, I think this can be one of your best qualities! So take it as a compliment!

I was thinking about this last night, and I have had pretty major fights will all of my absolute closest friends at some point in my life. (Men and women) If I've had a good fight with you, there's a decent chance you will be in my wedding someday. (You know, when I'm 80 and find somebody.) In all of those cases, I have absolutely forgiven, but it's not always as instantaneous as I'd like it to be. And it's taken a lot of growing up to realize that holding on to any of that stuff really gets me nowhere. Whether it's blaming myself or them. I have to let it go. Sometimes when I practice yoga, I do something one of my amazing teachers suggested - for every inhalation say the word "let" in your head (or out loud) and for every exhalation say "go." And keep saying it until you believe it. So cheesy, but so helpful.

Anyway, to those I've had fights with, I accept your apologies whole-heartedly and I sincerely hope you've accepted mine. To those I haven't fought with yet, remind me of this quote when we make up over cocktails, ok?!

Breathe in: Let. . .
Breathe out: Go. . . .

Anonymous

So. . . I don't know who said this. Nor does my reliable, much loved quote book. Even the internet is striking out. I do, however, know I ADORE this quote.

"All your life you are told the things you cannot do. All your life they will say you're not good enough or strong enough or talented enough; they will say you're the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or be this or achieve this. They will tell you no, a thousand times no, until all the no's become meaningless. All your life they will tell you no, quite firmly and very quickly.
And you will tell them YES."

The last few years have been challenging for me in many ways; financially and professionally to be sure. I was somebody who was fortunate enough to achieve financial and professional success as an actress in my early 20's. My late 20's and early 30's have not been so kind. Of course, times are tough for everybody. But worrying how one will pay the bills, about not having health insurance, where the next job is and when, etc - I think those are universal concerns, no matter what the economic climate is.

Of course, since I'm now dealing with the added "failure" of another break up, I'm quick to jump on the negative spiral. It surrounds me. In my life, in my friend's, in my family's, in the news. It just feels sometimes that there is no hope. 

Though today's quote is largely about determination, I find it to also be about hope. Without determination there is no hope. When things are tough, you have to be determined to get through it. You have to have courage to stand up and say "YES, things will get better." I am learning from this. This break up. This job loss. This financial struggle. This economy. Whatever it is. There is always a way to have hope.

I'm determined to have the courage to have hope. I know as I heal I eventually won't have to force that anymore. But for now, I refuse to let it take over. I am going to be brave (or as brave as I know how to be!) and say yes to all these changes in my life and take risks, albeit with some caution, to secure a better life for myself and those around me. 

Damn it, world. YES. 

Edna St Vincent Millay

Edna St Vincent Millay was an American poet, playwright and feminist. She once won the Pulitzer Prize, and was known not only for her activism but also her many love affairs. Even within her longest, and arguably most successful marriage, she had open affairs with other people. That being said, I'm not sure who or what this quote is about. In fact, it might even be from her writing. Since I don't know her material at all, I have no idea. All I know is that it sums up how I feel these days.

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night.  I miss you like hell."

The particular break up I'm dealing with right now wasn't about falling out of love. It wasn't about cheating. It wasn't about an argument. In a nutshell, it's a horrible situation that doesn't involve me, but affects me. And it has made the man I loved turn into a shell of who he has the potential to be, who he was with me. That being said, it feels like a death. It feels like that man that I loved has left the planet. I feel a "hole in the world". Definitely a hole in my world.

Aside from the obvious feelings of just missing somebody, there is that impulse to call, reach out, email, text, whatever. When you get good news, the first person you want to tell. . . and then you remember that person isn't there anymore. When something upsets you, the first person you know will make you see things more clearly, and then the reality hits that that person is gone. Those constant little check ins that we all have, particularly with close relations and lovers. And then there's the really painful one - when you roll over in bed to literally reach out for them, only to feel the cold, empty sheet beside you.

I definitely know I am loved and have an amazing group of friends and family. And thank GOD for them. But I'd made space in my life for a love. And now that space is empty.  I know eventually I will fill that space. Either with other activities, other friends, hopefully even other loves. But for now, it's a wound. That gaping wound can't be cured or healed with a simple band aid. . . all that will work to heal it is time.

Edna, I feel your pain. There is a hole in my world for sure. And I can't wait for that hole to just be a battle scar.

John Wayne

If you don't know who John Wayne is, may I suggest watching Nathan Lane and Robin Williams doing impressions of him in The Birdcage. And if you don't know who John Wayne is, really? I mean, REALLY?!

John Wayne was an American Screen Icon. An actor, producer, and director in the Golden Age of film. I find this quote strangely peaceful and soft, considering what a tough image he had in Hollywood.

"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes in to us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands and hopes we've learnt something from yesterday."

How poetic. How hopeful. How true. Obviously, our past is part of who we are, even today is a part of yesterday. But just because something went wrong yesterday doesn't mean it has to continue to go wrong today. Just because you were hurt yesterday doesn't mean you have to keep being hurt. You can make decisions today that will make this day better, smarter and more promising. I'm trying so hard to do that myself right now.

Unfortunately, not having short term memory loss (or long term for that matter) means we always carry with us what happened yesterday. But you can carry it with you and have it feed who you are today without it weighing you down.

A new day with a blank slate. Make of it what you will. It's your entirely white, empty canvas to work with. What mood to be in today? What tasks to accomplish? What person to reach out to? What goal to set? Endless hope. Endless opportunity.

Oh, but still pay your bills from yesterday. That's kind of important, John, yes? Bummer about that.

Jean-Paul Sartre

I'm attempting to accomplish many things right now - spring cleaning/purging, meeting with friends about upcoming projects, working, going home to visit family, brainstorming to start teaching a class, learning info for a new job, auditions - just LOTS. And there never seems to be enough time. Laziness certainly accounts for the loss of some of that time though. I'm not even gonna pretend otherwise. Turns out that since time is on my brain today, I found a quote about exactly that.

Jean-Paul Sartre was a French philosopher, playwright, political activist and literary critic, among many other things. He was one of the leading philosophers in Marxism, lived through France during the German occupation of WWII,  and was once awarded the Nobel Prize, but refused it. While I don't claim to know much about his theories or the man himself, I do enjoy some of his quotes.

"3 o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do."

SO TRUE! Right?! 3 o'clock is too late for brunch. Often too late for lunch. Certainly too early for dinner, even if you qualify for the early bird special. It's too late to start any major event for the day, and too early to start one for the evening.

Today my main time challenge was doing my laundry at the perfect time. Either before or after the massive wave of neighbors all get down to our laundry room - first thing in the morning or late in evening. So it turns out that 3pm is the PERFECT time for laundry! Take that, Jean-Paul! I disprove your theory! But only when it comes to the laundry challenge. Otherwise, I agree with you, sir.

John Mayer

Song lyrics are, of course, a major part of my life. Generally, I'm drawn to lyrics over music. Though the two have to merge perfectly together for me to be completely hooked, I tend to gravitate toward lyrics. 

John Mayer is a Grammy-winning singer/songwriter/guitarist. Though I don't love his current bluesy stuff as much, I always adore his lyrics. Honestly, he has written songs that could be turned into scenes without ANY re-writes. "My Stupid Mouth," for example. The lyric I've been drawn to lately is from "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" off of the album, Continuum.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed, and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe, wondering was she really there?"

Whenever something horrible happens in my life, I cry it out, I eventually pass out and sleep, often with help of some kind (let your mind wander on that one), but then, oh cruel morning, I have to wake up. And every time it happens, I wake up and think "that was just a nightmare, right? That didn't actually happen." But it always sinks in, slowly and painfully, that yes, it did happen, whatever that tragic "it" is. Then the pain begins all over again.

Sleep is merciful in that I can forget. I can relax. I can stop worrying. I can stop trying to fix it or control it. Even with dreams or nightmares, when I'm going through something tough, those are welcome distractions.

I am finally starting to get out of bed in the morning with a bit of purpose to my day again. But my ex is still the first thing I think about when my eyes open. And I literally wonder, "was he really here? Were we really so happy and now he's gone?" And every single day I have to remind myself that he was there. We were happy.

But then I have to remember it's in the past. It's over. That past tense is killer.

So these days, I especially welcome sleep. It gives me time to relax and be at peace. I've never enjoyed getting out of bed in the morning. But normally, it's just because I want to keep sleeping. These days it's partly that, but largely because I don't like the realities I'm facing.

And no offense, John, but I can't listen to your song right now. Though it's running through my head anyway, I'm choosing more upbeat, kick ass music. Or at least I'm trying to - damn you, iTunes shuffle!

Jack Benny

This one is brought to you by the fabulous Jack Benny, comedian and actor. I personally know him from clips from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, The Carol Burnett Show and a cameo in one of my mother's favorite films, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

"I don't deserve this, but I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either." 

While I'm pretty sure that that comment was something Benny said when he received an award, when I read this comment, my head is not in an "I don't deserve these good things happening to me" kind of place. Quite the contrary. I was recently more happy and comfortable with a man in my life than I have ever been. We had problems, we had differences, but we were honest with each other. It just felt like I had finally gotten it right, after countless bad relationships, bad choices, commitment-phobes, and other heartbreaks. But, so sadly, it ended abruptly and tragically. (For those that don't know, he's not dead - though it feels like that actually - like a death). And through it, I have had many moments (and continue to have) of wondering, "why me?"

I try to be a good person. I am trustworthy, funny, honest, loyal, supportive. I can honestly say I make at least one person laugh every day. I'm polite. I try not to cause deliberate pain or inconvenience to anybody if I can help it. I support charities. I recycle. I compliment people on the subway for crying out loud! In the grand scheme of things, I'm a good person. I have certainly made mistakes. Some that will haunt me forever. Moments I'm not proud of. And when horrible things happen to me (like this break up, for example) I wonder what I did to deserve it. No, I don't wonder actually. . . I go RIGHT to those shames in my past and think "yup, Leslie. This is what you get for that. No matter how many good deeds you do, you must still not be good enough to have made up for that."

I've always believed in karma. But I think that's largely because I want to believe, or I need to believe that the people who have wronged, hurt, or cheated me and my loved ones deserve bad karma. Otherwise, where is the payback? How does it all make sense? But if I believe in bad karma, I have to believe in the good too. And where, oh where, is MY good karma? Why am I in such pain now? How many things does one have to do right in order to right those wrongs?

I had a friend recently say to me that he doesn't believe in karma. He thinks that things don't happen for a reason; they just happen. That we all just need to look for the silver lining in crappy situations. And maybe he's right. Benny's quote just touched on the same point of view, in his funny way. And he seemed to think that way throughout his life. It wasn't just for the sake of a joke. Before he died, when he was asked to explain his successful life, Benny said "Everything good that happened to me happened by accident."

Maybe Benny and my friend are right. Maybe there IS no rhyme or reason. Maybe we drive ourselves more crazy by looking for reasons we will never see or understand. Shit happens. Luck either is or it isn't. Timing is everything.

So I'm trying, through all this, to convince myself that I don't deserve this pain. Trying being the key word. Trying to believe that there are no reasons. Just like Jack Benny didn't deserve his arthritis, perhaps I don't deserve this heartbreak either.

Now let's hope I'm not doomed to have arthritis anytime soon, or I will consider that my bad karma for writing this entry for sure, and I'll be back to square one!

Ashleigh Brilliant

Giving credit where credit is due, I want to make sure I always list the person who said/wrote/sang whatever quote I share on a given day. I will honor them with the blog post titles. It's QUITE an honor, no?

So, Ashleigh Brilliant is an author and syndicated cartoonist. He tends to stick to a self-imposed limit of 17 words per epigram, which I find especially interesting since I consider 17 (and 7) to be my lucky number. And it's my first blog. Coincidence yes, but kinda fun. (He also lives in Santa Barbara, CA, so I can only assume he drinks wine. . . and I've decided that makes us kindred spirits!) Among other achievements, he is well known for his "one line humorous remarks" and the one I am loving today is NO exception.

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."

This SO totally sums up my life since my recent break up especially. That sadness aside, I think I'm generally a happy, hopeful, supportive person with a good head on my shoulders. But when the shit hits the fan, MAN does it hit the fan. Good lord. It's just one stress after another. Love, money, health, family. Why, oh why, do they always seem to come in groups?

Sadness can be a sort of all encompassing feeling. I guess happiness can too, come to think of it. The trouble with the extremes of both is that they make it hard to focus. On schedules, to do lists, bills to be paid, appointments to make, etc. And right now, I'm having trouble staying focused. Just planning a day has been overwhelming, and I'm a planner at heart, so that has been particularly unsettling to me. I'm getting my footing again, but it's just felt like an attack of feelings and responsibilities.  Attack is absolutely the right word. Just coming at me from ALL angles.

I'm told I'm tough. So I guess I can take it. But all the same, I wish I didn't have to.

Me thinks that Ashleigh Brilliant is. . . well. . . brilliant.

New Territory

Here I am, entering the blog world. With hope and fear combined. How does one start blogging? I've decided not to treat it as a journal, because a)I already have a journal, b) who really wants to hear EVERYTHING I have to say, c) that's what facebook is for! (I only wish that last comment were completely sarcastic.) One of my best friends suggested I start a blog and I've had a few people agree with her, but I wanted to come up with a topic for which I have a real passion. Of course, there are the obvious ones in my life - musical theatre, shopping, shoes, cats, men - but I wanted it to be more specific. Something that I can somehow learn from as well as discuss with others in my life perhaps. Otherwise, what's the point?

Let's not bother with my recent sob story, except to say that it has led me to a constant comfort in my life as I've gotten older: quotations.

Sometime in my early 20's, I found myself looking at books of quotations at Barnes and Noble (cue, plug of book store!) and came upon a book that has really been there for me in times of distress, excitement, fear, hope - all the biggies in life. It's not The Bible. It's not The Secret. It's not He's Just Not That Into You. Not that those aren't all valid, lovely inspirations, they just weren't MY inspiration. For me, it was The Harper Book of Quotations that really resonated with me. It's your typical coffee table book that one would leave out for guests to peruse at will and probably never actually read. But for me, I have turned to it for examples, lessons, strength and encouragement. I've been known to buy this book for people and highlight quotes that made me think of them, or their situation, whatever the event was in their life that prompted a gift.

Lately I've been trying to figure out WHY I love quotes so much. I mean, why do we ever like the things we like? But I think I've finally articulated it properly. Aside from the inspiration, the genius, the simplicity in so many quotations - they comfort me. Because they show me I'm not alone in whatever I'm going through. Whether it's good or bad, it's human. And other people have gone through the exact same things - different times, different places, different circumstances, but the same feelings. And I find that so comforting. Safety in numbers, you know? And doesn't comfort just feel so good. . .

I have many favorite quotes. They change and expand largely based on what is going on in my life. We seek out what we need, and I am certainly no exception to that rule. Rather than just post my favorite, I'm going to post thoughts on what pertains to my life on any given day/week/whatever the frequency of this blog becomes.

Tune in if you like quotes. If you like figuring out how they apply to you, or those around you. I don't claim to be an expert, but I'd like to think that my combination of career, sensitivities, yoga, therapy, humor, intelligence, and love offer me some sort of interesting angle on this. And if not, well, don't read, right? My motivation for starting this is largely selfish. Not to preach, but to share. If somebody else happens to enjoy what I share, then everybody wins!

Thanks for reading. . . there will be more.