Song lyrics are, of course, a major part of my life. Generally, I'm drawn to lyrics over music. Though the two have to merge perfectly together for me to be completely hooked, I tend to gravitate toward lyrics.
John Mayer is a Grammy-winning singer/songwriter/guitarist. Though I don't love his current bluesy stuff as much, I always adore his lyrics. Honestly, he has written songs that could be turned into scenes without ANY re-writes. "My Stupid Mouth," for example. The lyric I've been drawn to lately is from "Dreaming with a Broken Heart" off of the album, Continuum.
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed, and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe, wondering was she really there?"
Whenever something horrible happens in my life, I cry it out, I eventually pass out and sleep, often with help of some kind (let your mind wander on that one), but then, oh cruel morning, I have to wake up. And every time it happens, I wake up and think "that was just a nightmare, right? That didn't actually happen." But it always sinks in, slowly and painfully, that yes, it did happen, whatever that tragic "it" is. Then the pain begins all over again.
Sleep is merciful in that I can forget. I can relax. I can stop worrying. I can stop trying to fix it or control it. Even with dreams or nightmares, when I'm going through something tough, those are welcome distractions.
I am finally starting to get out of bed in the morning with a bit of purpose to my day again. But my ex is still the first thing I think about when my eyes open. And I literally wonder, "was he really here? Were we really so happy and now he's gone?" And every single day I have to remind myself that he was there. We were happy.
But then I have to remember it's in the past. It's over. That past tense is killer.
So these days, I especially welcome sleep. It gives me time to relax and be at peace. I've never enjoyed getting out of bed in the morning. But normally, it's just because I want to keep sleeping. These days it's partly that, but largely because I don't like the realities I'm facing.
And no offense, John, but I can't listen to your song right now. Though it's running through my head anyway, I'm choosing more upbeat, kick ass music. Or at least I'm trying to - damn you, iTunes shuffle!
